Trussed up
by purpleflames
Summary: My mom once sat me down and explained that even though it feels like it's a big moment when it happens, in the grand scheme of things it's really very small and with that thought in mind I floated through life.But then something happened and suddenly my life was not that unimportant. And it all started when I found a man looming over my new employer with a glowing sceptre in hand.
1. Dark Chocolate

You know, when I was young, I was a bit of a cry baby. I would cry at the actual drop of a hat and it was a fairly annoying habit. One day my mom sat me down and explained that even though it feels like it's a big moment when it happens, in the grand scheme of things it's really very small. She was talking about the time when I sat on my glasses and they broke but I took it to be quite literal. I thought that nothing really mattered in the grand scheme of things and nothing I did was ever important. And with that thought in mind I floated through life, fairly happy and crying very little.

But then something happened that irrevocably changed my life and suddenly my life was filled with really quite important in the grand scheme of events' kind of moments. And it started when I found a man looming over my new employer with a glowing sceptre in hand.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Hi, my name is Eloise and I'm twenty six. I'm a chef and I live in New York.

Well now I do. Before that I used to live in Chicago. I made deep dish pizzas there and earned myself enough of a reputation to get fired because the head chef was jealous. And also because I refused to sleep with him. But mainly because my pizzas were delicious.

So there I was, unemployed and tired of the Windy city. I put some feelers out and got myself a new job. I was to be a personal chef to a certain Mr Tony 'Iron Man' Stark.

But of course before I got the job I had to audition for it. And the person I was auditioning for was Miss Virginia Potts. Honestly, her name alone made me want to work for her. I wish she was my partner in a catering business just so we could call it Potts and Pans. But alas, she was a CEO of a Fortune 500 company.

"So what do you need me to do?" I asked her the day of the audition.

"Impress me."

That was all she said. So freaking cool. If I told anyone 'Impress me' I would get laughed in the face. Not Miss Virginia Potts though.

But 'Impress me', that is something that leaves a wide range to work with. Too wide.

I mean I could have made some smoked salmon canapés with a light hollandaise to go on top. Or I could make some crispy chicken skin with Jamaican spices, or maybe some escargot?

In the end I decided to go with something that usually impresses people. Spaghetti with meatballs.

I know, I know. Too rustic for an audition with the CEO of Stark enterprises. But I make the best spaghetti with meatballs. If my spaghetti with meatballs was what the Lady and the Tramp were eating there would have been a dogfight over who got to eat all of it, no noodle kiss.

And it worked out pretty well too. The first bite in she told me I was hired and then proceeded to inhale all of it.

I am an amazing chef.

I was told to report two weeks later at Stark Tower where I would be given my own id card and a personal pass code to the elevator. Apparently I was to cook primarily for Tony freaking Stark. Miss Potts believed I had what it took to get Mister Stark to leave his lab and eta some food.

I had a roommate who was a scientist, I know how huge a compliment that is.

And so two weeks later I strolled into Stark towers. Security there was tough but they told me it was only for the first time.

"Don't worry," The guy who was adding my fingerprints to the system told me. "Once your retinal scan and fingerprints and voice are added to the database, Jarvis will just let you in."

"Jarvis? Is he like the head of security?"

"Nah, head of security is Mister Hogan."

"So who's Jarvis?"

The two security guys shared amused looks. "Jarvis handles everything."

"Everything?"

"Anything Mister Stark needs, Jarvis can get."

"So...like a guy-guy?"

"A guy-guy?"

"What's a guy-guy?"

"Like...I have a guy for truffles, is he like the guy of guys where he can get a guy for anything?"

They just stared at me.

"Eloise," Security guy number one, also known as Steve from his id badge said, "I think I'm really going to enjoy working with you."

"Cool!"

With that I was in the elevator, clutching my frying pan to my chest. It's a rule of mine, always carry a frying pan. There is something about frying pans that is very comforting. And people often keep the wrong kind of frying pan. It's all down to personal preferences I know and I myself have several different type of frying pans but nothing beats a good cast iron skillet.

The elevator moved fast and soon I was nearly at the top but when the counter had nearly gone up to the highest the lights shut down and I was trapped in the elevator that wasn't going anywhere.

"Crap."

"_I'm sorry Miss but I had to turn off the Arc Reactor." _

I screamed bloody murder at the weirdly synthesized sounding British voice that had come out of nowhere.

"What the, who are you?"

"_I'm Jarvis."_

"Oh. Ohhh. So you run...everything?"

"Yes."

Before I could ask him anything else the elevator cab jolted as if there was an explosion somewhere very close by.

"_Turning on Arc Reactor."_ Jarvis said and the lights were back on and the elevator moved again. When it opened I found myself at the scene I was explaining in the beginning. Guy in lots of leather and metal armour hovering over Tony Stark who was crawling to get up onto his feet. The man was snarling and he did look an awful lot like the man who was in the news for fighting Iron Man back in Germany.

So I did the only thing that made sense.

_Clang! _

I hit him with my frying pan.


	2. Cherry

My pan met the back of his head with stunning accuracy, considering it was coming from me. He went down immediately and Mr Stark looked at me in shock.

"Nice shot."

"Thank you."

He smiled but then just as quickly the smile left his face.

"Now, who the hell are you?"

I stepped over the prone body and stuck my hand out for a handshake. He took it gingerly while I was kind of awestruck.

I mean, Iron freaking Man!

"I'm Eloise, I'm your personal chef." He looked confused. "Miss Potts hired me, she told me to be here today?"

"Oh right. You can let go of my hand now." And I realised I was still holding his hand and shaking it quite vigorously.

"Sorry, I'm a bit of a fan and-"The man I had conked out moaned and suddenly grabbed my ankle. On instinct I...hit him with the frying pan again. He went down again. And my pan now had a huge dent in it.

"What is this guy made of?" Mr Stark asked absently while I looked over my pan. "And why did he go down so easy?"

"I...don't know?" He wasn't talking to me as much as he was talking to himself, I got that but it seemed rude not to answer.

"But come on, I hit him with my blasters and nothing, he fell out of the sky onto a cliff and nothing but a frying pan brought him down? What the hell?"

"It happens sometimes, I guess. My cousin was flipped over a car during an accident and he was fine after but one time he cracked a rib picking up his daughter. Maybe this guy didn't have the time to brace for impact?"

Mr Stark still frowned. "Year I guess. I thought we'd need the Hulk to bring him down." He pouted. "Kind of hoping for it actually."

I nodded awkwardly.

"Well," He shook his head, "Guess I should get ready for that army he was talking about."

"Army?"

What now?

"Yeah, army of aliens from outer space. He's made a portal to it on the roof and I can't fix it." He said while a gold and red box flew out of the walls and then began attaching itself to Mr Stark, turning into the Iron Man armour. So freaking cool!

But, you know, army from outer space.

"...What?" I said weakly.

"Nothing, don't worry, we'll take care of it." He began walking out the balcony and I followed him because I had no clue what else to do.

"We who?"

He turned dramatically and looked at me. "The Avengers." And then he flew off leaving me with a lot more questions than I started off with.

Like what I was supposed to do with the person I had essentially assaulted?

"Ms Garter." The synthesized British voice coming out of the walls shocked me again and I jolted. "Apologies for the suddenness but Mr Stark wishes for you to stay here for the time being. A person will be by soon to take care of Mr Loki."

"Loki?"

"The young man suffering from the effects of blunt force trauma."

"Oh...okay." I sat down on the little step that separated the bar from the rest of the living room, the unconscious Loki guy lying there a few feet away. Suddenly he woke and sat up straight only to fall back down again. He twitched and flailed, as if he was having a seizure.

"Mr Jarvis, should I do something?"

He broke into sweat and shivered continuously, thrashing his head from side to side. I was afraid he was going to injure himself but then he began muttering, something about Thanos and death and Tesseract. His breathing quickened but just as suddenly it steadied down. Finally he was fine and I held out my frying pan defensively while he got up and began walking.

"Where am I?" He asked me.

"Stark Tower."

He frowned as if thinking ti over. "Stark tower, but that must mean the portal is-"

Just then a flying machine with some weird humanoid thing flew past the window. I guessed that was the army of aliens that Mr Stark was talking about.

Then another guy came flying in the through the window shattering it into pieces. I, as a normal person screamed as little shards went flying past me while Loki just cracked his neck.

"Loki!" The new guy said, "Turn off the Tesseract or I'll destroy it."

"You're giving me a headache, do shut up." Loki said casually and coughed. "Feels like the celebration after battle of Harokin all over again. It's like Sif actually managed to start another battle" He rubbed his head.

"Loki!"

"Yes, yes I heard you the first time. Honestly Thor, do you really believe that you have the power to destroy an Infinity Stone?" He dropped his head into his hands. "Feels like my skull is being split open."

"Sorry about that." I said. "But you were threatening Mr Stark with the glowing stick."

"You're the one who hit me?" He asked and I nodded. "Remind me to thank you later."

"...Thank me?" I did not expect the person I bludgeoned to thank me.

"Yes you broke the connection, now Thanos can't get to me."

"I have no idea what that means."

"Just accept my gratitude for now." He groaned once again and got up and walked to the other guy (Thor, I think) still stumbling. "Take me to the roof."

The blond was visibly confused. "What?"

I could almost hear Loki rolling his eyes even though I could only see his back. "Take me to the roof. Thor, how am I supposed to close the portal from here?"

Thor brightened up immediately and put an arm around Loki and flew out the window using his magical hammer.

I just sat there wondering if there had been some funny mushrooms that had accidentally gotten into the risotto I had earlier.

"Umm, Mr Jarvis?"

"Yes Ms Garter?"

"Should I be going to the roof too?"

"It would not be safe."

"But can I?"

"You would have to take the service elevator to the higher floors and then take the access hatch."

"Okay."

I did exactly that and found myself on the roof along with a very concussed looking middle aged man and Thor and Loki.

"The sceptre...it can-" The man said.

"Close the portal, I know." Loki said. "Thor tell your friends to get out of the way."

"Why?"

"Because I'm going to use the device to destroy the control ship before I close the portal and if they're in the way they'll be obliterated." He said and began messing with the giant glowing device, poking it with the glowing stick and pressing some buttons.

"I could ask Jarvis to tell them that." I said. "He might be able to get a message to Iron Man and that might help."

"Excellent, you go do that and Thor go and..smash something." Loki said and shooed us off.

I ran off and did exactly that and came back to the roof again. From where we were standing I could see the fighter jets that were gunning the alien army fall back away from the tower and Thor was smashing stuff along with the Hulk.

Suddenly the device shot out a beam of bright green light and from the open portal we could see a ship like thing blowing up into pieces. The aliens driving the flying ships began falling down like flies and then Loki jabbed the sceptre onto the glowing cube in the middle and the portal closed.

Exhausted he fell back onto the ground while Iron Man and Thor and eventually others whom I presume are part of the Avengers that Iron Man was talking about gathered on the roof.

After a good few minutes of puzzled silence punctuated with heavy breathing Loki spoke again. "So, about that drink?"


	3. Mint

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews!**

* * *

"So to recap," Mr Stark said while a chirpy little robot that he called Dummy cleared the glass enthusiastically. "If you want another drink you should just ask for it and not throw the damn glass on the floor and yell 'Another'."

"My apologies Iron Man, I am not yet familiar with Midgardian drinking traditions." Loki sipped away on another glass of whiskey. Well I say glass but it was really a beer tumbler. It had been a rough day for him and for everyone else.

I stood there awkwardly while the 'Avengers' and Mr Selvig all sat at the bar and discussed what had happened with Loki. They were all pretty exhausted from fighting off the alien army and I was pretty weirded out by what I had just heard.

"So what you're saying is when little Miss Chef brained you with the pan she snapped you out of the same mind control voodoo you were doing on everyone else." Mr Stark asked Loki.

"Essentially. Although it wasn't done via the sceptre, it was all the doing of The Other, a telepath who worked for Thanos."

"Right, Thanos. The Titan who wants to get it on with Death who he thinks is a real person."

"Yes."

"I need another drink."

And I thought alien army was weird. But they were all taking it pretty well, dealing with it like anyone else would which was basically copious amounts of alcohol. Except for Dr Banner who wasn't allowed alcohol because of his...green condition. Green condition is also what one of the line chefs I worked with at the last place called veganism.

"So, little Miss Chef." Mr Stark turned to me.

"Eloise."

"Right then, Eloise." He looked me over carefully. "Do you think you could make some shawarma?"

"Yes, I could!" I was excited to be cooking. Alcohol does not work for me but cooking helps me process. "Where's the kitchen?"

"No clue, I'll call Pepper."

"Can't we just ask Mr Jarvis?"

He clicked his tongue and winked, pointing at me. "Right you are. Jarvis?"

"_One floor down and four doors to the left, Sir."_

Stark stood up and sighed. "I'll come with you. Need to see this...kitchen thing."

* * *

"...I'm in love." A spotless vast kitchen with clean countertops and so much freaking space was laid out in front of me.

Mr Stark just looked incredibly confused. "I don't remember making plans for this."

"It makes me want to cry, it's so beautiful."

"Course I don't remember hiring a personal chef either." He continued as if I hadn't said anything at all.

"This is heaven! Paradise, Swarga, Valhalla, Elysium whatever you want to call it!" Mr Stark threw me a look. "My father read Angels and Demons and decided to take a course on semiotics. He doesn't quite realise that my FaceBook wall isn't...Google."

"That's awkward."

"No awkward was when he posted 'I accidentally took three Viagra pills, will my penis blow up like a balloon' on my wall."

"That's..." He struggled with words which I can understand. My usual reaction is to bang my head against the closest flat surface. "So about that shawarma?"

"It will be ready in under an hour. You could probably use that time to clear up the debris and all the broken windows."

He went off and I was left alone in the gorgeous, gorgeous kitchen. Commercial kitchens are often much smaller than most people would expect and there are always so many people that you have to work in tandem. But here in the gorgeous kitchen with the b-e-a-utiful fully stocked pantry and a walk in freezer, I was all alone to do whatever I wished.

Well, after making the shawarma.

It was a little over half an hour later while I was in the middle of chopping vegetables that the little pop sound came from behind me and I whirled around, still jumpy from the alien attack and also because I was facing the entrance and had seen no one enter the kitchen. That turned out to be a bad idea since I had a knife in my hand and ended up slicing Loki's arm accidentally.

"I swear I'm not doing this on purpose!" I cried out. Seriously what is it with me and injuring the man...god...alien? At this rate there was no way he wasn't going to press assault charges.

"It's fine, just a little cut." And before my very eyes the skin sewed itself back together and once that was done even his shirt fixed itself.

"How did you get in here without me noticing?" I couldn't help but ask.

"Just a basic teleportation spell." He shrugged. "I came here to thank you."

"What?"

"It was your timely action that freed me from The Other's control, you have my undying gratitude."

"...So you aren't going to press charges?"

"_Don't worry,"_ Stark's voice now came out of nowhere. Apparently there were speakers everywhere which I suppose is not that much of a surprise since I can hear Jarvis almost anywhere too. _"If he does I'll pay the lawyer's fees."_

I don't know how I feel about the fact that he can and was listening in. Then again Loki had tried to take over the world so I suppose some amount of paranoia is healthy. It really is healthy, why was I even apologising for hitting him? He tried to take over the world! For Thanos sure, but still!

Loki looked at me intensely. "I owe you a great debt."

"Well you can repay me by never doing that teleporting thing again. I will be dealing with knives and hot trays and liquid nitrogen, you popping in out of nowhere will be the death of me. Literally."

A good few moments of silence followed and because it was getting a bit too drawn out and I had lots to do, I got another knife out of the block and resumed chopping.

I love cutting things julienne. It's just so calming to watch things fall into perfect straight lines.

"As you wish." He said and I looked up in surprise.

"You're still here?" Was he just watching me the whole time? That's kind of creepy. Better to focus on the chopping.

"Well yes, I-"He stopped and cleared his throat. "Perhaps I might be of assistance?"

I looked up to find him doing the intense staring thing again. Weird.

"No I've got things under control."

"Are you certain? I am a deft hand with knives."

"I'm good, why don't you go help clean everything up?"

"It's already done."

"What?" Because that was a lot of mess that he was talking about clearing up. The amount of glass that must have gotten everywhere alone would be exhausting.

He waved his fingers. "Magic."

"Fabulous. Why couldn't you use this magic before?"

"The head injury was still causing me trouble."

"I am _so_ sorry for that."

"Don't be, it was a necessary evil."

"Maybe but it's not something I want to make a habit of. I mean already I've gotten so jumpy that I sliced your arm I can't afford to do that, I'll ending up killing someone! Or worse, myself!" I do not want to die. Especially not by stupidity. On the other hand it might be okay to die in this kitchen. It's so _shiny_.

"So you want to help?"

"Like I said, I owe you a debt."

"Hmm, alright then, walk and take this up to the dining hall." I handed him the platter of vegetables and shooed him off. "And don't teleport, that's just plain lazy."

"I _am_ lazy."

"Didn't you say you owed me?" I glared with all my might. Which is not much might apparently because he was trying and failing to control his laughter.

"As you wish milady."

He bowed with platter still in hand, somehow managed not to drop anything and walked off. I would have been more amazed if I hadn't seen much better stuff, I mean I know a guy who pulled a plate of risotto out from behind my ear and that was without Magic. Unless it was magic. I mean if Loki can teleport in and out of places, there must be normal people who are non-alien and can do magic too right? Or is it a specific alien thing?

Can't believe I'm actually wondering all of this and it is real. Just this morning I didn't even believe in extraterrestrial life, now this. I knew working for Mr Stark would be mind blowing but I underestimated exactly how much of mind would be blown.

It didn't take for me to be done and soon I followed Loki's path. The dining area was a large table that was hidden from the rest of the room by a panelled wall which was very clever. And it was a good thing the food was done because judging by the number of empty bottles on the coffee tables and the fact that Mr Stark was pretty much lying on top of Dr Banner and talking about the R&amp;D floors, he was well and drunk.

The elevator dinged and opened right while I was setting the table. A man with an eye patch stepped out followed by three others, all dressed like they'd stepped out of Men in Black. Or a funeral home. They all had guns strapped to their belts and earpieces and the second they stepped out and saw him, those guns were all pointed at Loki.

"Ah our guests have arrived, I was wondering what was taking so long." Loki drawled and the one eyed man's nose flared and he growled a response.

"What in the name of hell is going on here?"

It's a good thing I made extra servings.


	4. Lime

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews!**

* * *

I made myself scarce because I wasn't an Avenger or superhuman or ninja assassin. But also because any time Nick Fury asked me something I felt the need to say 'Aye' and 'Savvy' and all those words I learnt from Pirates of the Caribbean. He even has the Barbossa-esque coat, all he really needs is a tricorne hat with a feather in it. Maybe a parrot. Or a monkey named Jack.

"Fury! "Mr Stark said very happily although I do not think he was happy at all. "Sit, eat."

"Why is Loki sitting at the table like he's a guest?"

"Well it would be terribly rude to eat anywhere else when we have a table and chairs to use." Loki drawled. He does that a lot.

"Sit down Fury, you may want to hear this."

And then they explained everything about Thanos. Again. I have listened to this way too many times.

Director Fury listened with very little enthusiasm while Mr Stark and Loki took turns explaining what was happening. Thor looked fairly jealous and sad actually, I think Mr Stark and Loki finishing each others' sentences like they'd known each other for years made him a bit weepy.

"And you thought that the best thing to do after all this was eat shawarma?"

"Saw a board advertising it, we had Little Miss Chef here so figured why not."

And then Director Fury turned his eye onto me. "You."

"Eloise Garter. You probably want to run a background check on me dontcha?"

He looked surprised. "Yes."

"Cool, you can even ask Mr Jarvis for the personnel file he has on me and compare. If Mr Stark agrees of course."

"I'll do that."

"Can I go back to the kitchen now? I really want to clean things up." Then the shiny counters will be even more shiny.

"What's the rush," Mr Stark said. "Sit, eat, be merry, you work with us and now you'll celebrate with us."

"Well technically I work _for_ you not with you and-" He glared. "I'll eat."

Really, how rude. No need to be so bossy to the person who saved him. Course he is actually my boss so I guess he gets to boss me around.

"Allen could you please pass me the pickles?" I asked and Allen did that. But then Fury stopped and his one eye flicked between the two of us.

"You know my agent?" He turned and asked Allen pleasantly, which was really not that pleasant at all. "You know Ms Garter?"

That must look suspicious

Allen stuttered so I answered for him.

"I met him three weeks ago," Fury looked at me. I wonder if I looked cross-eyed trying to meet his eye. "We go to the same-"

Allen's eyes were very big so I stopped before I could say Modern Dance class.

"To the same?" Fury was now talking to _me_ pleasantly. It's kind of terrifying.

"Same Cooking class."

Allen relaxed slightly. No one else did.

"I thought you were a chef?" Dr Banner asked and I realised I had not thought this through.

"Yes but I go to...cooking classes I am overqualified for to feel better about myself."

"Really?" Stark was sceptical and Loki was trying very hard not to laugh.

"Well yeah it's been a stressful time moving from Chicago and being the only person in the room who knew what a roux is was quite nice."

"So you took a cooking class for beginners to feel better about yourself."

"It's cheaper than the good tequila."

Wait, why _haven't_ I done this before? That sounds like a much better idea than crying over the phone to my friends because my ex's new girlfriend is way hotter than me.

"Barton, Romanov," Fury barked. "I want eyes on him at all times, he so much as sneezes and I want you to report."

"Yes, sir." They chorused.

"No one lets him out of sight and I want all of you," He pointed at the Avengers, but mainly at Dr Banner and Thor, "especially to keep a look out."

And he left before anyone could say anything.

"Great news guys!" Mr Stark said enthusiastically. It was weird and creepy. I would have preferred it if Director Fury was to talk pleasantly to me. "Sleepover party!"

"No." Came the answers from Dr Banner, Agent Romanov and Agent Barton. Mr Rogers just looked disapproving and the two Norse Gods were confused.

"What's a sleepover party?" Thor finally asked and I answered because Mr Stark was busy in a stare-off with Mr Rogers.

"Skimpy pyjamas, pillow fights, giggles and zombie movies followed by long deep emotional talks because everyone's too busy fighting off a sugar coma or drunk."

Both the super spies turned chalk white while Thor glanced at Loki who looked blank.

"I would be honoured to join these festivities. Brother?"

"No."

"Bu-"

"No."

"We cou-"

"No."

"Mayha-"

"No."

And Thor drooped visibly. It was like watching a sunflower wither away. If sunflowers were giant muscled hunks who pouted.

"Now can I go?"

"What's the rush?" Mr Stark had won the stare-off and was now dramatically clutching a hand to his chest. "Do you not like us?!"

"Not as much as I like the kitchen."

"Defeated by a mere cookhouse." Loki joined Mr Stark in the dramatics. Ms Potts would have her hands full with those two.

"There is no 'mere' anything about that kitchen. It is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen." I turned to Mr Stark. "Should I be counting Ms Potts when I prep for tomorrow?"

"Ms Potts is her mother, her name is Pepper." His eyes widened. "Son of a bitch, Pepper! I have to call her." He pretty much ran out, taking his phone along with him to the walkway outside the house for some privacy.

"And the rest of you? Any likes dislikes, or allergies I need to know about?"

It's the reason why everything was on a mezze platter, so they could pick and choose what was less likely to cause them an anaphylactic shock.

"You're including Loki in this." Agent Romanov said. "Why?"

I frowned. "Why wouldn't I?"

"He tried to take over the world." Agent Barton pointed out. Which was a stupid reasoning given what we'd just heard about mind control.

"You two work for a paramilitary organisation that I've never heard of before. Can you really say that every single thing you've done or that SHIELD has done is all over the counter? You're telling me that SHIELD has never been involved in, oh I don't know, weapons testing that resulted in innocent people dying?" They had the decency to look sheepish.

I mean come on, if they could really justify everything they've done SHIELD wouldn't be a secret. For no one to ever have heard of it means that they do some _really_ shady stuff.

"Yeah, I thought so. Face it, the only person here who gets to judge him is me and even I don't get to judge people. I've used Foie Gras sometimes and we all know how cruel that is. I get that you're supposed to be superheroes and stuff but don't be hypocrites. Those two at least have the sorry but valid excuse of being raised in a cruel warrior society that taught them to use fists over words if the Vikings were anything to go by."

"I don't like what you are implying Lady Eloise." Thor protested but interestingly it was Mr Rogers who spoke up.

"You showed up and fought Tony and me without bothering to say a word or even introduce yourself. You freed our prisoner and then flew off as if it was your right."

Cue pouting Norse God.

"And _you guys_ are supposed to be a super team that saves the world?" I asked and everyone nodded. "You...might want to look into group counselling."


	5. Muscovado

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews!**

* * *

Fortunately they took my suggestion that they get a group counsellor well. There was no tantrum throwing or the whole 'We don't need therapy we're fine!' shtick that usually accompanies people being told they need to get therapy. And not only did they take it well, they took it seriously. The plans for the Tesseract device that Thor needed to take Loki back to Asgard would take some time to build and they were determined to use it well.

That was the good news. But then there was bad news.

Because unfortunately they had also decided that I was to be their group counsellor. Needless to say that did not go down well.

"What the fuck?"

Not well at all. The language wasn't very professional of me, I know but what they were asking me to do wasn't exactly a part of my profession to begin with. Why the hell did they want me to be their guidance counsellor? There are plenty of them in schools that are being completely ignored by the students, why can't they get one of those instead?

"They want you to teach them to be a team." Loki, that little shit, clarified. They were all standing in my kitchen except for Loki who was sitting on the counters and looking very amused.

Mr Stark snorted. "You're included in that team Reindeer Games." And all sense of amusement left Loki.

"What?!"

"It has been suggested that the best way to make amends for your deeds is to contribute to the team," Thor said gravely. "Redeem yourself."

"Why would I do that?"

"Because it would get you away from Asgard for an indefinite period of time." Mr Stark said and quirked an eyebrow. "Unless you want to be stuck there under house arrest, which lets face facts, is the least of possibilities."

"No one can keep me caged." Loki said arrogantly.

Agent Romanov scoffed. "Stop posturing, we can see through you."

"I can't." He didn't seem to be posturing to me.

"Neither can I." Mr Stark grinned. "Course that might be because he's already escaped one of our cages."

"He's posturing." Ms Romanov was confident. I admired that confidence. "You will counsel us."

Alright maybe I didn't appreciate that confidence so much.

"Sure, I will, you will all be able to learn from me and take cues from how well I work with my reliable team of sous chefs, all working together in perfect harmony." I chirped sarcastically.

"But you work alone." Mr Rogers pointed out. I do wonder if he'd been hit on the head in that battle.

"Exactly!"

Mr Stark lifted a brow. "I'll pay you double what I'm paying you right now."

"When do we start?"

Mr Stark and Loki smiled in this weirdly bitter way as if they were all both thinking that anyone could be bought. They'd obviously never been broke before.

Plus Mr Stark was already paying me a bomb, doubling that is going to make my bank account so full that I'm actually worrying about my tax situation. There's words I thought I'd never say.

"The first few days we should be too busy with fixing all the damage done to the city." Dr Banner mused.

"And we'll have to do some press to make sure we aren't thrown into jail as menaces to society."

"I do not understand," Thor frowned. He's quite pretty, I want to play with his hair. "We fought a great battle, should they not herald us as defenders?"

"Remind me to give you a good long lecture on human nature big guy."

"Yeah, all of you do that as part of the group counselling thing."

And eyes swivelled to me.

"What?"

"Well its easy fighting with one another, all you really have to do is give in to the adrenaline. Living with each other is a whole 'nother monster. Now shouldn't you all be getting to sleep so you can all work properly tomorrow?"

Miss Potts had been called and she had set up a blitz campaign all setting up the Avengers and Loki as do-gooders. If Mr Stark's wincing when she was talking to him was anything to go by they would be worked to the bone.

One by one they all left, Loki poofing out and Agent Barton and Thor leaving to look for him. Eventually the only person left was Agent Romanov which was good because I had questions.

"So, what's all this really about?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Oh please, the two Asgardians have to leave eventually, you and Agent Barton will obviously want to return to being all spy-like, Mr Rogers is probably going to his own shrink to deal with the whole suddenly thrust into the 21st century shtick and Dr Banner and Mr Stark get along well enough. There is no real team here and if the statistics are anything to go by the sort of crises you might need to team up for are probably going to occur once a year or so. What's the real reason for all this?" Contrary to the very popular belief circulating among certain circles, I am not actually an idiot. Although I do sometimes act like a ditz to get people to do stuff for me.

"To fight together right now, we needed the death of a mutual friend to galvanise us into action. We need to be better prepared."

"That doesn't answer my question."

She smiled. I got the feeling I should be more scared of this smile than of Fury.

"You showed up out of nowhere, defeated our enemy number one with a frying pan, did you really not think anyone would take a closer at you?" She leaned in. I realised she really had great boobs. Like, really great boobs.

"You're keeping an eye on me."

"Your appearance at a critical moment seems fortunate."

"You've met two Norse deities, is it really that much of a stretch to believe that someone out in the universe might be controlling our destiny? Giving us outs, moving us around like pieces on a chess board?"

She shrugged. "I don't believe in destiny."

"Yeah well I didn't believe in magic and hammers that summon lightning, I didn't believe that aliens would come out of a wormhole and start blowing things up. Maybe you can have _your_ rules of existence challenged for a while because I am pretty sick of it."

It's been a very long day. So long.

Good thing it's ending soon. Course I will have to get up very early to start prep work for breakfast. But at least then I'll get some peace and quiet and be away from the circus that is this team.

* * *

I woke up all ready to work, make pastries and waffles and all the many things that Mr Stark had said they would need at breakfast. I thought that finally I would have the kitchen to myself without people interrupting and annoying me, I could work in peace since it was three thirty in the morning and no one would be awake then.

I was wrong.

"Loki? What are you doing here?"

He was sitting on the counters and fiddling with a StarkPad that he was using to apparently play candy crush. He wasn't wearing the big armour that he was before and in the green sweater and black jeans he looked very young.

And also like a hipster.

"Playing games."

"Yes, I can see that but why here? And shouldn't you be sleeping?"

And he stiffened. "I have never been able to sleep well."

See also, 'I have nightmares'. Can't blame him. The way he resolutely refuses to talk about his time with the Chitauri and Thanos it does seem like he was their whipping boy.

But I am a very transparent person because he snarled at me. "The others are keeping me awake with their nightmares."

"What now?"

"The side effects of what the Other did mean I am sensitive to the dreams of others. You might have noticed that the other residents of Stark Tower tend to the tragic."

"Ah so it's _their_ nightmares that were keeping you up." Right, let's go with that.

"I suppose you don't have nightmares." He said as bitter as a burnt caramel.

"Not ones that I remember. I have a lot of weird dreams though. My Dad always shows up in my dreams as a polar bear wearing glasses and reading the newspaper and my mom is a gazelle. It's weird."

He blinked. "That's...strange."

"It is. Not the gazelle part because Mom is a dancer and not the polar bear part wither because Daddy is kind of like a giant fluffy bear but the glasses bit is weird. He has perfect vision, I don't know why he's always wearing glasses in my dreams." It's also weird that I am usually an apple in my dreams but maybe that's not weird as far as the progeny of a gazelle and polar bears go. "If you want you can go into my dreams since they're not nightmares."

"What?" He looked very surprised. But really it sounds interesting, would he actually just feel my dreams or be a part of them or just watch like one of those pensieves from Harry Potter?

"What what?"

"You would do that?"

"Sure. I wonder what animal you would be?"

"A snake probably."

"I had a snake. I named him Fluffers. He died two years ago."

"I'm...sorry?" It's like he'd never had to offer his condolences to anyone. Well maybe not, they are supposed to be really old Norse Gods. Maybe their pets don't die?

"It's okay. He lived a long happy life filled with plenty of dead rodents."

I really miss that old bastard.

Maybe I can get Loki to turn into a snake and be my new pet!


	6. Vino Cotto

**A/N: Updates might be a bit late, I have exams. Thanks for all the reviews, they're freaking wonderful!**

* * *

Change is inevitable. It is a cruel, vicious yet sometimes amazing bitch that just pops out of nowhere and leaves life in shambles.

For the Avengers, I was that bitch.

But really, they made me their 'Group Counsellor' which meant I would make them do things they didn't want to for their own good. That's just how it goes. By the end of the first week of counselling no one liked me.

I made Steve and Tony (I'm on first name bases with them now) study Modern Literature together. Steve was taken aback by what counted as Modern and Tony hated literature. I also made Bruce give Natasha anger management lessons. She hates me with the intensity of a thousand burning suns now. And Bruce, well it's hard for me to tell because he's got such a tight lid on it that it's weird but I don't think he was very happy about being alone with Natasha either. She probably gets his blood flowing in a way that he doesn't want it to by simply being hot. I also put Clint on 'Introduce the Asgardians to Midgard!' duty. Clint lost his temper with them four hours in and then Thor went about electrocuting things after Clint called them some very colourful names adding up to 'ignoramus' in many languages that the two Asgardians apparently understand because of something called 'Allspeak'. The only person who was fine with me was Loki but that might have something to do with the amount of chaos I had caused and the fact that he was using my dreams as a blankie.

I'm pretty sure that the only reason I wasn't fired and/or killed was because I'm such a fantastic cook. I think I actually heard Steve making sex noises for my butternut squash ravioli. Otherwise they were all pretty united in their dislike for me now.

So when they turned up at my Modern Dance class I was pretty surprised.

"Who're the new kids?" Alison asked. Her confusion was understandable since the Avengers in fairly bad disguises were sitting on the seat running opposite the mirrored wall, watching us warm up.

"Oh crap." The newcomer who said that was Allen. Allen of course being the agent who had accompanied Fury when he'd come to check in on us. We'd become better friends over the last week because of us having to deal with...neurotic people who add melodrama to their life simply by existing.

"Class, we have guests today," Eva, our teacher announced. "They'll be observing us today."

"Why are they here?" Allen furiously asked me.

"I don't know but they're pissed off at me and that's probably the reason why they're here."

"But what does that accomplish?"

"I think they might be trying to embarrass me."

Which was stupid really. I've been dancing my whole life, I'm not about to get self conscious because of them. I won't even notice them, I'll be too busy staring at myself in the mirror. I'm so pretty when I dance, I could look at myself forever. My God, I love myself.

"Sorry they found out about you though, I know you were trying to keep it on the down low. " I apologised to Allen. He shouldn't have to suffer for my attempts at counselling a bunch of deeply disturbed people with tragic backstories.

"It's fine, I just didn't want Fury to know that I go to a dance class. Which he probably already does." He sighed but I was stuck on the words Fury and dance in the same sentence.

"Ooh, mental image of Fury in a leotard."

Allen snorted and choked. He practically hacked up a lung. But the really weird part about that mental image was how good Fury looked in a leotard. I imagine him with a bit of a gut but still, for his age he really rocks skin tight clothing.

We were doing a modern pas de deux and I was partnered with Allen. I was a candle flame and he was air which meant that I had to stay in almost continuous body contact with him, move towards him if he went away and finally 'die' when he grew frantic. It was really cool and there were lots of lifts and slow motion staring at each other with heavy breaths while clinging to one another which I also love. I prefer them in more intimate situations, if you know what I mean, but still fun. At one point I slowly slid down Allen which earned a whispered 'So hot' from Tony.

And then an evil plan came to my mind which I put into motion later.

But since they had all taken the time to come all the way down here in disguise I wanted to take full advantage of it.

"So since you guys are here already, we'll move on to a new counselling session shall we?"

Tony groaned audibly. The rest just looked murderous. "Oh God, no more literature, its so annoying!"

"Not literature. We're going grocery shopping."

"That's a team exercise?"

"How many of you have ever been grocery shopping in the last decade?" No one raised their hands. "Yeah, I thought so."

I split the very long grocery list into four sections.

"Tony and Clint, Thor and Natasha, Bruce and Steve." I called out names and handed each team a piece.

"And you?"

"And I will be taking Crazy Pants here."

Natasha narrowed her eyes. It wasn't scary anymore because she'd done that a lot over the last week. Actually it now makes me laugh. "Why?"

"As an apology because I can't let him use my dreams as a safety net tonight."

"Why?" Loki was actually very startled and looked kind of scared.

"Because my dreams will probably be of the erotic variety and we just aren't at that point in our relationship where I let you into my sex dreams."

Steve turned red and Thor and Loki floundered for words.

Which of course means that I will have to drop sex into casual conversations more often just to see that reaction.

But we all went to the supermarket grabbed trolleys and then went our separate ways.

"So, are these the metal carriages Thor was talking about?"

"Probably." I figured that Dr Foster had taken Thor shopping and they'd used a trolley. I did not expect Loki to then somehow fold himself into the trolley and sit there innocently. "What are you doing?"

"Thor said that Midgard uses such contraptions to transport themselves."

I blinked. "We drove here in a car. In fact, while you were taking over the world, you probably rode everywhere in a car and planes, why do you think you can get away with that innocent act?"

He dropped the face and just slung his freakishly long legs over the side of the trolley, not moving the slightest. One of the employees at the supermarket came to scold him but got distracted by his legs.

I don't blame her. The man can really rock a pair of skinnies. Feels like he has background music of 'I'm sexy and I know it' playing all the time.

"Hawk falls for it."

"He's probably dealing with Thor and too busy to really think about your act." I began pushing the trolley with him still in it. "Tell me, has your brother always been so...?"

There are no words for how frustrating Thor can be at times.

"Yes. And he is not my brother."

"If you say so, now I'm going to throw boxes into the trolley, they will land in your lap, check the boxes for expiry dates and tell me immediately if any of them are due in the next few days."

"As you wish."

It was peaceful shopping with Loki. Sure he had questions every now and then but when I told him to google it, he did. And he did some magic that meant that the trolley felt light no matter what I put in it and I could push it anyway I wanted. I almost ended up losing it a couple of times when I pushed it too hard and it ended up flying down the aisle but Loki thought that was hilarious and kept on laughing at that.

He has a nice voice. He should just laugh for all eternity.

I told him that.

"That's kind of you." He grinned toothily before frowning. "An uncommon sentiment though."

"Not really. Why do you think the old ladies keep following us?"

"I didn't notice anyone following us actually."

I don't know how a seasoned warrior can be unaware of the ladies following us and giggling and talking about pinching cheeks (I do _not_ want to know which set of cheeks they're talking about. Well okay, I do.)

"They're there. Waiting, _watching_." I snickered evilly before just plain laughing at his suddenly wide eyes. "God that's hilarious. True though."

"Midgardians are strange."

"Speaking of strange, did anything weird happen in my dreams? I can't remember what happened but I woke up feeling a bit tense." I was really looking forward to actually know what happened in my dreams.

"Well penguins were trying to invade the human population with a virus and we were working to stop it."

"...Really?"

"Yes. There was a strange chase in a subway that turned into a worm. It wasn't very realistic, I've been inside a giant worm before."

"Seriously?"

"Yes, and pigeons were used to spy on Midgardians in power which again doesn't make sense." He said seriously while frowning.

"Why not?" Pigeons are everywhere, I would totally use them to spy on people.

"Their attention span is too limited. Ravens are a better option but they owe allegiance to the Allfather."

I stopped pushing the trolley.

"Did you _actually_ consider using pigeons to spy on people?"

"It was a valid idea. I thought of eagles but those are relatively rare in some areas and they're more noticeable. Besides, the ones I found were going through their own crisis, there was a paternity dispute." He just waved his hand as if that was a normal thing. I am less relaxed when I talk about calling mom than he was talking about using birds as surveillance agents.

What world have I fallen into?

When we met up with everyone, they looked like shit. Natasha was looking murderous and Thor was sizzling in places, Clint was actually being wheeled out on a gurney because apparently he'd had an allergic reaction to one of the food samples they were handing out, Steve and Tony had ignored the list and instead filled up the trolley with tons and tons of other useless stuff and Bruce was distinctly green around his eyes. Luckily the Hulk didn't come out because Bruce was suddenly laughing at the sight of Loki in the trolley with all sorts of stuff pile don top of him because the lug was too huge and took up most of the trolley space.

It's a good thing I had other stuff planned for their group therapy but I wanted to wait until we got back to the tower to tell them about it.

I waited until they were done with dessert because that would be the time when they were most malleable and broke the news.

"So, I see that you enjoyed watching the Modern Dance class."

"I didn't know you could dance." Tony said and waggled his eyebrows. "You're very bendy."

"Yes well , my mom ran a dance school so I ended up learning how to. It was good, probably the only reason I didn't eat my way into childhood obesity." High school was when I discovered my love for food. Well I say love, I actually mean deep dark obsession. Took a while to get that monkey off my back and focus on the quality rather than quantity of food. Those were some dark years. "Anyway that's not what I'm here to talk about."

"Then what is it?" Steve asked gravely.

"Well this was the first time I've seen you all as a group take initiative and do something, well, non-violent. It was really great, I'm so proud of you guys!"

They looked kind of proud of themselves. It would not last long, I had an evil plan to inform them of.

"And since you seemed to truly enjoy the class so much, well, I only thought it right that you try it out yourself." A look of understanding dawned on them all. A horrified look. It was glorious. "So I cleared your schedule with Ms Potts and set you up for a beginner's class in Modern Dance."

Muahahahahahahahahaha!


	7. Blood Orange

**A/N: Exams are finally over! My brain doesn't feel like it will explode anymore, oh joyous day! I cut myself off from the internet for the duration to get into the studying mode, it was painful. Thank you for the reviews/fave/follows!**

* * *

"Really? What's that like?" My date said and promptly burst into a coughing fit. To give some context, there's a guy from the acting classes down the hall who asked me out. We went out, it was nice, great conversation but no attraction.

None. Not at all. It was actually so nice and mellow that my lady boner was gone which is saying something because I haven't had sex in a long time and I might have the slightest thing for Loki after watching him dance. I mean that modern dance thing was supposed to be something to punish them all and it was but it was also lots of fun to watch. They were all awkward as hell, Bruce and Tony danced like...well dads and Steve was so awkward Clint struggled with the beat and Natasha, well she got told to bring out more emotion in her dance which was incredible to see. I've never seen such emotion on her until that very moment, I swear she looked like she was going to kill Sonja.

But Loki and Thor actually sort of excelled. Thor was great at using his hips, something no one expected and Loki was AMAZING. He's really flexible and Sonja was super impressed with the amount of sheer emotion he put into his moves. And then he and Thor began to show the class some Asgardian dance-fight thing which was so cool and then they did it again back in the tower only with throwing knives and swords. It was like a pointy object filled ballet, so beautiful, so deadly, and all the rippling muscles we got to see because they took their shirts off was amazing. Loki, for all that the dude looks kind of small next to Thor, is _ripped_. And not in the beefcake way that Thor or Steve are either, with them you have to be spatially aware so their shoulder don't just knock into your head. But Loki's the good kind of ripped. Hal has that feel to him to only he's not as fit.

That's my date. His name is Hal and he is funny and cute in that self deprecating way. And he is smart and polite even though his laugh is so weird.

There's just no chemistry.

"Are you alright?" I tried to show concern while he all but hacked a lung out.

"I'm fine, I just think I swallowed a fly."

"Oh my!" On the outside I was concerned. On the inside I was pointing and laughing.

He cleared his throat a few more times making a weird face before settling down. He was walking me back to my house. "Sorry you were saying?"

"Umm nothing much, that's pretty much it. I work as a personal chef to one of those Park Avenue types."

"You must be really good then."

"That or they were desperate. I personally lean towards the latter."

I don't actually but you can't be that arrogant on a date. It's weird.

"So, this is me." I stopped a few buildings away from Stark Tower. "Well not _me_, me but security is a bit tight so this is where you will have to leave me."

"Ah, of course." He ruffled his hair, it was so cute. Why was I so unattracted to him? It ruined everything. "Well I had a great time."

"Me too."

Well everything up to this point had been fun, flowing conversation and bad jokes that I actually love. But the waiting on the front porch for the first kiss? Weird.

And it got weirder when he leaned in for a kiss and I decided to roll with it and at least see through it once to see if maybe he was a really good kisser who could make me interested.

No such luck. I mean it was good but so bad at the same time. I was very aware of his mouth on mine in the worst possible way. And judging by the look on his face when he pulled away he reciprocated the sentiment.

"That was not a good idea."

"I'm so glad you said it so I don't have to."

"No."

"No."

"Never again."

"No."

"Ugh."

"I don't have a brother but if I kissed him this is how strange and gross that would feel." IT was quite bad.

"I'm so glad we agree on that."

As you can see we were both very emphatic on how weird it was.

"Let's never do any of this again."

"You got it. But you're still-"

"I'll get you into Nobu and you can get me those tickets to the ballet."

"Great, I hate ballet."

"And I think Nobu is overrated so we're both happy on that account."

With a sterile shake of hands we went our separate ways and I found all the Avengers and Loki waiting for me in the kitchen where I had gone to get some ice cream to replace the terrible feel of his mouth on mine. They hung out there so often we now had customised barstools for everyone courtesy of one Mr Tony Stark which could be folded into such a small area that they didn't get in my way.

"That is so creepy, you know that?"

"How was the date?" Tony snarked and decided to pick up a spoon and eat the ice cream along with me.

"Terrible. Well not terrible but the ending was really bad which made everything bad."

"Aww and I thought that when you guys decided to go to the ballet together it was a match made in heaven."

"Yeah well that's no-" I stopped when I realised what he'd said. He didn't even look guilty, the bastard but Steve did. "You were spying on my date?"

He just scoffed but it was an 'Obviously' kind of scoff not a 'Don't be ridiculous, I didn't do that' kind of scoff. So annoying!

"We just wanted to look out for you."

"That is so rude. I mean I expected it from Natasha but from you all too?" Natasha looked miffed but nodded in admittance. I know everyone thinks her sneakiness is cool but when she's sneaking up on you it's plain creepy. "Do you see me sneaking into your bedrooms at night?"

"I'm not stopping you." Loki shrugged.

"Oh please you're all such messes getting involved with any of you would be way too much work."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Steve was outraged. I was amused and annoyed. Mainly annoyed.

"Oh come on, it's like you bitches don't even want to be happy. It's hard to make well adjusted people out of you lot when you don't _want_ to well adjusted. It's ridiculous, I take dance classes because that makes me happy and I like meeting new people, I took up cooking as a job because that's again something that makes me happy, I go out on dates because even if they're bad I like getting dressed up, everything I do is to make myself happy and you lot are so depressing it puts a major damper on my mojo. I blame you all for my failed date, you probably infected me with you 'Woe is me' attitude."

And I followed that with me blowing a raspberry while they just stood there in shock. Okay I may be taking this spying on me thing pretty badly.

But they spied on my date! It's creepy! And when a former crazy fangirl (I went through a long and extended Backstreet Boys phase) tells you something is creepy, it is creeeeeepy.

And they're just so unhappy and brooding, I mean honestly.

The thing with hanging out with the Avengers, as I've been doing for the past few weeks, is that it is like suddenly being invite dot sit with the popular kids. Part of you is giddy with excitement, part is wondering what they're up to and then there's another part which is desperately guilty because you've been making fun of them all through sophomore and junior year.

And with them the giddiness and suspicion take the backseat because there is a cloud of angst and doom about all of them that is strangulating. It's like I'm in one of those animes that my ex used to make me sit through and there's this Aura of Gloom around them.

"You guys suck." I reiterated my point through spoonfuls of ice cream.

Tony grinned meanly. "_Somebody_ was really looking forward to getting laid." I sneered but couldn't exactly deny it. "You know, you should try being in a stable relationship, it comes with benefits."

Which is when I snort. What a dumbass."Puh-lease, your social life has been splattered out in the newspaper for years, your thing with Ms Potts is shorter than my high school relationship."

"Really? You dated one person in high school for more than two years? That's hard to believe."

"And why is that?" I am offended at the insinuation that I cannot be in a long term relationship. Although admittedly it has been a while since my last long term relationship.

"High school is four years." Tony laughed. "And according to the files you didn't graduate early."

"For your information Seb and I dated through all of high school and half of middle school as well."

"Why'd you break up?" Natasha leaned forward threateningly.

Although really, everything she does is threatening.

"He got into drugs our senior year and it got very bad and he OD-ed but luckily he got to the hospital in time. His parents put him in a rehab and then I was off in college and he was under lockdown. That kind of thing changed stuff."

Sometimes I think I might have ended up married to Sebastien with two kids by now if that hadn't happened. IF we were together then we would probably have gone to a college close to our hometown and ended up with a white picket fence house down the street from our parents and he would take over his Dad's insurance business and I would run the Agony Aunt column for the local newspaper.

Thank the fucking heavens that didn't happen. I can't reconcile who I am now with who I was back then.

"Do you regret it?" Loki asked intensely. My eyes kind of darted to how his bicep was flexing when he leaned forward and he caught that and smirked.

"No, we tried to make it work once he was out but we were very different people by then. You guys might not realise this but out in the real world that happens to people on occasion. They just drift apart."

"Do you really think we're that out of touch with the real world?" Bruce smiled gently. If he just didn't ruffle my hair and treat me like a kid.

"So you guys can actually think of a relationship that didn't have a tragic dramatic ending suitable of soap operas and filled with what-ifs and deep regrets and standing out in the rain trying to figure out feelings?"

And everyone avoided my eyes. I was right, which to be honest which is actually quite common around here.

"You seem better now." Steve carefully eyed my smirk and I had a light bulb moment.

"Is that what this was? You guys were trying to cheer me up?"

ZOMGSOSWEET!

The answer to that was splattered all over their faces but only Thor had the guts to just come right out and accept it.

"It did not seem like you were having fun Lady Eloise." He said, stoic, and Loki looked at him worriedly. He seems to do that quite a lot actually. Wonder what that's about.

"And you were looking forward to it all day." Steve looked mournful. Again with the drama I mean jeeze, it was just a not so good date.

"It wasn't the best date I've ever been on but it was definitely not the worst. And Hal was nice and gentlemanly."

"He was staring at your ass when you went o the bathroom."

"I know, I was swaying my hips to that purpose. It's sexual politics Steve nothing more. Chill out." He did not seem willing to let it go. "Or I'll set you up on speed dating."

Steve blanched and panicked. "We should go."

One by one he hustled them all out until only Loki remained.

"You there, what's wrong?" I asked as soon as Jarvis was the only one listening.

"Whatever could you mean?" He had the faux innocent look down pat.

"You were looking at Thor weirdly. What's going on between you two?"

"I am unused to this shift in dynamics. Thor isn't usually this serious and I'm not usually this carefree."

"You think it's the sceptre's effect?"

"We've run the tests; the sceptre has no influence on me anymore. It might be a response to Thor's strange behaviour."

"So what you're saying is that because Thor's being serious you feel the need to be jokey and laugh-y?"

"Perhaps. This...friend of yours who apparently changed so much that you drifted apart, do you still..."

"Still?" I prompted.

"Do you still knowhim?" Emphasis on 'know'.

"We were friends before we were ever anything more which helped. Why don't you just talk to Thor about this?"

He laughed bitterly. It was a sad, sad sound. "The mighty Thor doesn't explain himself to people."

"You just said that he's changed, how can you predict how he'd react?" I pointed out pointedly.

"Hmm."

"Well what would you do if you were back in Asgard? You know, before things went to shit."

He thought it over and then shrugged. "Try to kill him."

"WHAT?!"

He looked surprised to see my surprise.

Why on Earth would I not be surprised to find out that Loki's idea of dealing with a personality change would be to try to kill Thor?!

He rolled his eyes when the shock didn't leave me.

"_Try_ to kill him. Believe me if I actually wanted him dead, he'd be dead."

I think trying to kill people might be his coping mechanism.

He sighed and leaned forward again. My eyes went to his clavicle this time. Loki noticed that and smirked. His eyebrow flew up into his hair which he casually tossed back as he sat up straight. I feel like rose petal should have started falling from the heavens while violins played.

"So, sexual politics huh?"

And I glared. He was doing this on purpose.

"You compared your changed relationship with your brother to me and my ex, wonder what everyone would read into that."

Now he glared.

"I'm watching you Garter."

"You should," I leaned in and spoke in low angry tones. "I look amazing in this dress." And I should considering how expensive it was.

"I will admit that at least. You look beautiful." He ignored my dropped jaw, smirked and left the room throwing a hand up and waving it as he left. "Goodnight."

That was unexpected.


	8. Oloroso

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews/faves/follows, they are lovely.**

* * *

"Do you ever do anything but cook?" Loki's voice coming from behind surprised me.

"Didn't I tell you not to poof into the kitchens?"

"I didn't poof in here, I simply walked quietly. You were busy." He drawled. "You're always busy when I see you."

"It's my job. When I'm a work I tend to...work. And I don't want to go out as of late because some people keep on stalking me." I said pointedly. They all keep on stalking me. Either through cameras or just plain following at a distance in an unremarkable van which is conspicuous because of how unremarkable it is in the midst of sports cars. I'm pretty sure I spotted Barton at a Broadway show I attended.

I just don't get it, you know? I mean, I work for Tony not with him so it doesn't really make sense to hang out with them but they're so desperate for me to hang out with them that it feels like I'm kicking puppies when I don't give in.

I don't know what dynamic we're supposed to have. On the one hand he's the boss, on the other as their group therapist I have to direct them to do things they might not like. The categories they fall into aren't neat and to be honest they're not exactly the sort of friends I usually make. I don't have much in common with them and it's hard to think of them as anything more than acquaintances when they're so guarded. Not just with me but also with each other, I just can't figure out how I fit into the group.

"So what are you guys up to?"

"I've been working with Stark and Banner to come up with possible weapons in case of another chitauri attack or in case Thanos decides to make an entrance. He probably won't, not himself but there's still a chance he might come to Midgard."

See, right there, there's another reason I don't get where I fit in. I mean they're coming up with ways to save the world, I'm designing the dishes for the party Ms Potts is throwing at Stark tower to show the shareholders that they're doing well despite the Chitauri battle.

"Why?"

"Under the Allfather's orders no one from the other realms was to go to Midgard, in any way. Thanos is searching for the infinity stones and if he can't find it elsewhere in the universe he will assume Midgard to be the one where they are."

"Would he be right to think that? Is that why this Allfather guy told people to leave Earth alone, because it's been used as a dumping ground for all this shit?"

"_I_ wouldn't know." Loki smiled wryly. "I'm not trusted with many secrets. Even when they're related to me."

"What sort of secrets?"

"Oh like the fact that I'm a Jotunn. He stole me from a temple where I'd been left to die."

"Really? Left to die?"

"Yes."

"Is that a Jotunn thing? To leave people to die in temples? That sounds cult-ish. Anyway, is there something you needed?"

"What? No." I think he was getting whiplash from my superb change of topic.

"Want to help me?"

He made a face. "Help. I'd much rather play. I tried spying on Barton and Romanov but they're quite dull creatures."

"Watching me cook isn't exactly interesting either."

"It is."

"Really?" I tried to imitate his usual uninterested drawl and eyebrow raise. I must have done a very good job because he almost smiled a proper smile.

"You dance you know."

"I know I dance. I'm there when I'm dancing."

"You dance when you cook."

"What? No, I don't!"

"Sure you do, right now when you turned you swung one foot around in a circle with your toes pointed."

"That's...weird." Do I really do that?

"I've seen stranger." He said nonchalantly and picked up one of the carrot strips and began eating them.

"Oi no eating the mise en place!"

"But if I don't eat the-" He stopped suddenly and looked up with a frown. "Something's wrong."

As if brought forward by his words, the lights began flickering. Anywhere else it wouldn't have much significance but in Stark Tower, powered by the Arc generator, it usually meant that whatever weirdass experiment Bruce and Tony were working on had...exploded.

"Jarvis?"

When in doubt call for Jarvis. Jarvis is awesome, Jarvis is God, Jarvis will never get his panties in a wad.

Wait, that didn't sound right.

Jarvis is awesome, Jarvis is God, Jarvis will leave you feeling awed.

Much better.

"Intruder alert, I'm afraid my sensors are mal," static interrupted him and distorted his voice. "_**sens...functio...vents**_"

And suddenly silence. God had been defeated. The shit had hit the fan.

"Crap." It was the first time I'd been in this kind of situation. Apart from the time during the battle but at least then I knew where to swing the pan. Jarvis said there were intruders but not where or how many and if they'd actually reached our floor or even who they were. Fuck. "Do you think it's the chitauri?" I asked Loki whose ears looked distinctly pricked and was very tense. This was not a good situation to be in.

"No, the chitauri aren't what you'd call subtle. We'd have heard them crashing around by now."

I don't know how but knives slipped out of his sleeves and were suddenly being held between his fingers, three on each hand at his knuckles. A hissing sound filled the air and a opaque white gas suddenly filled the air. I slapped a hand over my mouth and switched on the chimney and Loki waved his hands and suddenly our heads were in a bubble. The gas was drained away by the chimney well enough for us to be able to see the people coming towards us and before I could think of screaming they all had knives sticking out of their heads and were down for the count. Then I had a whole different reason for screaming.

I've never seen a dead body before and I couldn't really turn my eyes away from the ones I was looking at. It's a messy business, blood was everywhere and I was feeling distinctly nauseous but I still couldn't turn away.

"Look at me, Eloise, look at me." Loki grabbed my face and turned my face towards his. "Deep calm breaths okay?"

I wasn't really breathing at all though and it was only once he demonstrated that I began breathing along with him.

It's just...dead body. On my kitchen floor. Blood everywhere.

"We should-"

"Get moving."

"I was going to say clean this up but your idea sounds better."

I might have been kind of catatonic. Certainly don't remember how exactly I ended up in the service stairs trailing behind Loki holding a frying pan.

"Wha-what?"

"We're heading up. Stay behind me."

I'll admit I've never quite understood the whole 'head for higher ground' thing but I figured following Loki was my best bet.

"What if they come up from behind us?"

And of course, because I have weird luck, exactly that happened. Before Loki could push me behind him again, I was separated from him and someone grabbed me from behind, choking me. My frying pan fell out of my grasp and I floundered for a bit before remembering something.

Elbow to the solar plexus, foot on the instep, fist to nose and then a hit to the groin. Miraculously, that worked for long enough for me to get my pan and nail him over the head. I never knew compulsively watching Miss Congeniality could teach me so much.

All the pride I was suddenly filled with drained when I saw that while I had been dealing with that one guy Loki had taken down seven others. Seven.

What the actual fuck? I feel weak.

"That was impressive." He said. "I didn't know you could do that."

And it was back to being proud. "I didn't know I could do that either!", I fucking beamed.

We went up a few more flights of stairs but ended up stopping when we heard noises from above us. Without Jarvis we were running kind of blind in here and Tony's security measures to make the place difficult to infiltrate was making life hell for us.

"Eloise, I need to do something." Loki said and stopped, sitting down on the stairs. Needless to say, I freaked.

"What the hell, worst timing ever! What do you have to do?"

"I'm casting a spell to see where they might be hiding but it's going to take up all my concentration, I need you to keep an eye out for me, if you see anything move, put your hand on my right shoulder, alright?"

"A-alright." His eyes rolled into the back of his head and I was on guard. My hands were shaking so bad the pan that I was clutching with everything in me was pretty much vibrating and my breathing was in full on gasping mode. I don't how he managed to concentrate but he did.

"Damn." He said when he finally opened his eyes. "They're everywhere, the roof's the only place safe but by the time we get to the next floor they'll realise we're here and mobilise."

Am I supposed to respond to that?

"There, there?" I patted his back and he looked at me like I was crazy. "I'm sorry, I don't know what to say! I don't go running around in a building filled with assassins with Norse gods. I don't even use the word 'assassins' except ironically!"

"Come on." Instead of going up the stairs we stepped out into the hallway and went to the elevator.

"We're taking the elevator? Cool."

Although wouldn't the people sneaking around the tower realise that we were in it when it did the ding?

"No we're not." Instead he pried the doors of the elevator easily with his bare hands. What are these Asgardians made of?! And no wonder they eat so much.

"After you." He bowed. I freaked out. Again. I've done that a lot this day.

"The hell do you mean after me, where the hell am I supposed to go, it's an empty abyss!"

"The elevator's stopped on the floor below; it's not that big a drop." I took a big step back.

"Loki I don't know what you think normal humans who are not spies or boosted with serums are capable of, but jumping down into an elevator shaft is not one of them!"

He sighed. "Would it help if I held on to you so that you could get down?"

"Yes, I suppose it would." I sniffed and went up to the hollow space where the elevator doors should have been and looked down. "Oh hey, that's not too bad."

I jumped and he soon followed looking a bit annoyed.

I don't blame him.

"I'm sorry, I've just never done any of this before."

"I forgot how soft lives some humans lead."

"I'll make it up to you, if you ever need a tourist guide in Osaka, Cochin, Parma or Busan, I'm your girl." I named every single international place I'd ever stayed in for more than a month.

He stared at me and then shook his head. Looking around, I didn't really see how we were going to climb up the shaft. Tony seemed to have built it specifically so no one could climb up it. As a security feature it made sense but not when I wanted to climb up it.

"This is going to be a problem." Loki shifted his hands to his hips and sighed, looking up.

"Don't worry you can do it." He needs to be able to do it because otherwise I am dead. My survival depends on this.

"I know I can do this. I also know that _you_ can't."

Oh good, he noticed that which means that I don't have to point it out.

"Alright then. I guess you'll go up and I'll wait here. I mean it's not like they're going to bomb the elevator or something right?" I laughed. It was nervous laughter. It stopped when he simply shot me a patronising look. "They probably _will_ bomb the elevator. Of course. Well I guess this is it. I'm going to die. I always thought I'd die by food poisoning you know? Figured I'd just end up trying some exotic food and die. Or puffer fish although nowadays they're made specifically so they aren't poisonous."

"I'm not leaving you here." He said incredulously. Which makes no sense because, as he said, there's no way I'm scaling this place.

"Well I can't climb out of here and I'm apparently sitting on a bomb."Wait, can't you do your Voodoo and poof us out of here?"

"It's Seidr not Voodoo, they're two completely different disciplines and I can't poof you there without ripping a hole in the fabric of your existence."

"Well that means death. Joy."

I was more panicky about having dead people mucking up my kitchen with blood than I am about dying. My priorities need evaluation. Oh well, it's not like I'll have them for long.

"What are you doing?" He yelled as I took out my phone.

"Calling my parents and telling them I love them, duh." He rolled his eyes and knocked it out of my hands before I could even go to the address book and it clattered down into the nothingness. "What the hell was that about?! Now I'm going to have to tell you and you'll have to convey my last words to them and then they'll wonder why I know someone who tried to take over the world!"

"You're not going to die."

"Well I don't see how I'm going to live either!"

I can't believe we were standing there having an argument on top of an elevator. My life has become significantly strange since coming to live at Stark Tower which is saying something because it wasn't exactly quiet and normal before. Maybe that's what they'll write on my gravestone, 'Here lies Eloise Garter, her life went from Strange to Stranger to Death.'

"Come on." He held his arm out. I looked at it with no idea what to do and he rolled his eyes. He does that a lot. Fuck, I'm going to die. "Just come on."

I stepped closer and he put his arm around my waist. This was getting weird.

"Now hold on tight to me, okay?"

I put my arm around him as well, still kind of confused. Then a tingling started in my feet and my hands fisted in his grey sweater. It felt like my feet were being pulled in a very different direction than the one the rest of my body was being pulled in.

"Put your left foot on the wall." He commanded.

"What?"

"Just do it."

I did that and he did it as well and finally my foot didn't tingle anymore.

"Now the other."

"Are you crazy?!" Why did he want me to fall into an abyss?

"Eloise do you trust me?"

And I looked at him in surprise. This wasn't about trust this was about gravity and fucking with it.

"You promise you won't let me fall?"

"I promise."

And with a very shaky breath I put the other foot there as well. And it stayed there.

"Great now we walk up to the roof." He said cheerfully.

What the actual fuck?


End file.
